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Everything Wrong With Bohemian Rhapsody
Transcript # (when the 20th Century Fox logo appears) It's worth asking: How long will Fox keep using the "20th Century" logo in the 21st century? Will they be watching a screener in 2345 and some intern will finally pipe up, "You know, we really should update that," and the studio heads will nod quietly in collective realisation? Trolls <1 sin added> # (the logo continues) Nice try, Fox, but you're not gonna distract me from noting this 41 seconds of TWO logos! Trolls <1 sin added> # (the Regency Enterprises logo) Regency logo has gotten pretty goddamn full of itself. the Woods <1 sin added> # (movie opens with Live Aid with the opening to Somebody to Love playing) One of the best live-action movies of all time opens with something powerful and dramatic and...s*it, for so many of the images and a well-constructed opening, we're going to take off three sins right off the bat. Lion King <3 sins removed> # It's at this point that a voice's singing Somebody to Love, and I have to ask...How dare you, movie? Queen? You think you can just use the amazing and timeless music of Queen to hide the face that there is barely any substance to the trite shallowness you're putting on the screen? That kind of sh*t may win Golden Globes but we won't stand for it around here. Smallfoot <1 sin added> # ("I get down on my knees and I start to pray/'Till the tears run down from my eyes") Jeez, movie! This is in the running to be the preachiest song of all f*cking time. Smallfoot <1 sin added> # (The steering wheel is reflected through Freddie's glasses) I think you all know how I feel about this camera. Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Theme <1 sin added> # Let's get this out of the way right up front, the music licensed for this movie, which the Right and Holy Gods of the YouTube Heavens would never let me play much of, is pure magic and joy and puppies and rainbows and warms the cockles of my tiny black heart. Take your sin removal you damn happiness witches and be gone with you...hehe, cockles. Feet <1 sin removed> # (Baggage handler: Oi, you missed one, Paki.; Farrokh: I'm not from Pakistan!) "Protagonist is born with a hindrance that is mocked by his community who will someday need that characteristic to save them" cliché. Feet <1 sin added> # (Bomi: Good thoughts, good words, good deeds. That's what you should aspire to.) Bergen or not, this should be filed under "The creepy things that should never be said to a child." Trolls <1 sin added> # (Smile are playing Doing Alright) Damn, I didn't think I'd be taking off a sin so early, especially from THIS movie, but when my imaginary cousin's friends start off by singing an incredibly sexy pop song...well, you know about the power of... Perfect 3 <1 sin removed> # (Brian and Roger are talking together after Tim breaks up from Smile) Jesus, this movie cast maybe the two most likeable leads in the WORLD but gave them such huge character flaws that it's impossible to root for EITHER of them! Trolls <1 sin added> # (Mary is putting eyeliner on Farrokh) Whew, we were almost at the eleven-minute mark and I was worried we weren't gonna get any scatological humour in this f*cking thing. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Farrokh is singing Seven Seas of Rhye) Wow, Freddie found a way to get NATURE ITSELF on board with this musical number. Lion King <1 sin added> # Also, it's been 1 year since they've sung together, and we've NEVER seen them rehearse, but they've got an entire catalogue that they can execute flawlessly? Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Farrokh Bulsara: Then tell him his daughter's an epic shag.; Mary Austin: Freddie, he can read lips.) Goddamn, there's a lot of exposition that comes out of knowledge that all these assholes should already possess. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # ALSO, his sister's right there at the party. Shouldn't SHE at least put a stop to this? The dude's been through the scourge and escape from the Pakis since the beginning! Trolls <1 sin added> # (Bomi: Good thoughts, good words, good deeds. You can't get anywhere pretending to be someone you're not.) This is information his dad could've given Freddie as he was leaving instead of organising a hug orgy. Trolls <1 sin added> # They were just at each other's throats but a conveniently-timed baby-news phone call is going to instantly turn things around into a love party. Just like real life! You guys thought the Patriots had a big pep talk during halftime of Super Bowl 51? Nope...baby-news phone call. You guys thought those German and American soldiers put down their guns for one night and sang songs because of the spirit of Christmas? Nope...baby-news phone call. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Brian May: You look like an angry lizard!) Admit it, you half-expected this character to poop himself out of shock, didn't you? Trolls <1 sin added> # (Freddie: The outcasts right at the back of the room...) Actors are playing for the back row, which is odd considering we're in a movie theater right now. the Woods <1 sin added> # (Queen are performing on Top of the Pops) Movie about remote British rock band simply jam-packed with pop-culture references. You know...for kids! Lion King <1 sin added> # Also, this is preceded by like, a MILLION different pop songs, which means between the voice talent, the animation budget and the amount they spent on the song rights, by my count, this movie must've cost... $72 billion. It's math, people. Feet <1 sin added> # Also also, honestly, singing ability of not...this mostly-female military crowd should be boner-cheering this all-hot-rock band group just on sheer hormones alone! Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Queen are performing Killer Queen live) Hmm, I've heard this is exactly what happens to women -- and many men for that matter -- when Freddie Mercury starts singing. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Freddie and Mary making love to each other) Scene does not contain a lap dance. <1 sin added> # (Fat Bottomed Girls starts playing) Huh, I half expected to hear Smash Mouth's "All Star." Trolls <1 sin added> # Also, hang on, this is a musical? S*it man, I know Freddie Mercury doesn't have a bad voice, but I'm NOT looking forward to listening to anyone other than Ben Hardy in this cast trying to carry off an entire song. If I'd known this was going to be a presentation of The Unconscionable Showman, I wouldn't have shown up for work today. Smallfoot <1 sin added> # Also also, you can't see me right now, because narrating is an audio medium, but I'm giving this movie a double bird salute...with my toes. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: From now on, I dub thee "Miami Beach.") Script margin note accidentally gets included in final draft. Feet <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: Formulas are a complete and utter waste of time.; Ray Foster: Formulas work. Let's stick with the formulas.) Damn, that escalated quickly! If I were Freddie, I'd be a little worried about what Ray means by "new ideas". Smallfoot <1 sin added> # (Freddie is playing Love Of My Life to Paul) So, how would Freddie, a human that only knows happiness, know such a dark and foreboding song? And where the hell has he kept that piano this whole time?!? Trolls <1 sin added> # (Roger Taylor: You call me sweet... like I'm some kind of cheese.) Someone got paid to feel clever for writing this line. the Woods <1 sin added> # (John Deacon: It's just a bit weird, Roger. What exactly are you doing with that car?) Is Joe Mazzello wasted or overused in this movie? Either way, something about his performance is sinful as hell. Feet <1 sin added> # Also, hey, remember when I sinned the movie for being too reliant of scatological humour earlier? Lemme revisit that and give that bulls*it 10 additional sins. Perfect 3 <10 sins added> # (Freddie Mercury: Roger, there's only room in this band for one hysterical queen.) Movie attempts to throw in a singular adult joke but is so obvious that their punishment should be explaining the birds and bees to every child who saw this. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Brian and John stop Roger from threatening via a coffee machine) This second fake-out is long enough is remind me that, even though it's only 2 hours long, this movie had to PAD its run-time! Trolls <1 sin added> # (Freddie is finishing playing and singing Bohemian Rhapsody on piano) All rock singers have beautiful, natural voices, but there's always one asshole that has to Kanye it up. Trolls <1 sin added> # (John Deacon: I do have to say the tape is wearing out. It can't take much more.) Who's doing what to who now? Feet <1 sin added> # (Roger sings 'He's just a poor boy from a poor family') Movie wastes almost 42 minutes getting to arguably the 2nd most talented singer in this cast. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Queen are screaming their hearts out) Hyped-up rock band do their impression of your Aunt Linda when she hears this song at Donna's wedding reception. Trolls # They definitely had WAY more fun making this than you did watching it. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Ray Foster: I'm not entirely sure...that's the album you promised us.) The f*ck am I watching right now? the Woods <1 sin added> # (Ray Foster: What about I'm in Love with My Car?) Hey, remember when I sinned the movie for overusing the "awkward statement from a character, awkward reactions from the rest of the cast, then a beat of silence" crutch earlier? I didn't? Oh well, here's 10 sins for it. Perfect 3 <10 sins added> # (Ray Foster: Well, that's the kind of song teenagers can crank up the volume in their car and bang their heads to.) Even in 1992, this was too dated of a reference. Feet <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: You will forever be known as the man who lost Queen.) Jesus Christ, these bullies bully so hard it's like they came directly from a Stephen King novel. Feet <1 sin added> # (Ray Foster: No one will know the name Queen; a ball crashes through the window) Yet ANOTHER fake-out death for Hippie Troll Aldous Snow! Seriously, we're really supposed to feel anything for this character? He's been on screen for like, 2 minutes! Trolls <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: You can take that out of our royalties!) Even if you hate something with all your being...how is this that funny? the Woods <1 sin added> # (Ray Foster: And to think I work with Hendrix.) Has any Fox movie loved puns more than this one? I don't think so, is what I'm saying. Lion King <1 sin added> # (Kenny starts his radio show) So...everything's good now? Did Freddie really do anything different? He's been dancing for Mary this entire f*cking time, but THIS works? Feet <1 sin added> # (Kenny starts playing Bohemian Rhapsody on his show) As appalled as I am to see a Queen song used in a sub-par movie, I'm also wondering why the band members would be singing this lyric. I thought it was a matter of civic pride that they AREN'T happy. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Mary Austin: "I love you, Mary, but I've met someone else." And now, "I love you, but...") I want...to press Stop on this stupid movie. the Woods <1 sin added> # (Mary Austin: Your life is going to be very difficult.) "For no other reason this movie gives me except plot convenience." Trolls <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: What do you think?; Roger Taylor: Gayer.) Super racist. Like so racist I'm NOT surprised it's in this movie, but I AM surprised it didn't come from one of the super racist Live Aid television commentators. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: I want you to shake the freak tree and invite anyone who plops to the ground.) It's at this point in the movie where you start wondering exactly what dose of hallucinogens the writers were using during the script phase, determining it was at least 13% too high. Feet <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: Good night, Jim.; Jim Hutton: Good night, Freddie. Or should I say good morning?) This movie is so spectacularly gorgeous that at times I wonder if it might actually deserve that Oscar it won. Feet <1 sin removed> # (Freddie Mercury: Now, will you please tell me why you're not playing any instruments?) Do any of you even f*cking PLAY instruments?! Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # ("We will, we will rock you") At this point you could tell me I'm watching the movie Sing and I would totally believe you. Trolls <1 sin added> # Sure, just a few seconds ago they didn't even know how to dance, but now somehow they have the entire routine choreographed. Feet <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: I feel like taking a bite out of the Big Apple!) What does that even mean?! Like...what does that EVEN MEAN?! Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # Also, Freddie's always gotta steal the show with his voice, doesn't he? Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Theme <1 sin added> # (John Deacon: ...if you all can just shut up and play.) Damn, it's almost like this script was written by 47-year-old dudes that were forced to come up with how they think young Millennials talk. Looking...Hey, it was! Trolls <1 sin added> # (Another One Bites the Dust plays) I swear to God this movie is 89% filler. Can we skip this part? At least the song sequences have better camera work. Feet <1 sin added> # (John Deacon: Oh, just improvise. Just give it whatever you want.) How'd they even all hear his ass over the speakers and amplifiers their current s*it is blasting through?! Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # You might think this montage is meant to show the passage of time and how the members turned things around for multiple ensuing dates in the USO tour. You MIGHT think this montage is meant to show you Ray Foster's gatekeeper guy losing interest in Freddie while falling for Mary Austin. You could even be forgiven for thinking the montage is meant to throw a bone to the costume department that worked very hard on all these concert show outfits. But in reality, it's just padding time. Just like the bulk of this sin. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: What about the rumours concerning your lack of sexuality? I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear.) For all his faults during this movie, it's apparent Freddie would be excellent at CinemaSins. Trolls <1 sin added> # (as Queen are filming the music video to I Want To Break Free) This is silly, but to be fair, it's only the second silliest video ever made for this song. Trolls <1 sin added> # Also, WHY do these erstwhile euphoric bands continue to sing depressing-ass songs??? Trolls <1 sin added> # (Brian May: It's America. They're Puritans in public and perverts in private.) That's Americist. <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: And without me...you'd be a dentist...drumming 12/8-time blues at the weekend at the Crown and Anchor.) Oh cool, a "protagonists fight before the climax of the movie" cliché! Does this mean we're almost done? Feet <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: But promise me one thing. That I never see your face again.) Movie continues to derive humour out of various characters soiling themselves in terror. Trolls <1 sin added> # So the song playing right now is Queen's Under Pressure, and that song is ALSO used in the animated, anthropomorphised movie Sing. So my question is...how did 1 minute and 31 seconds capture the imagination of animators everywhere? It's a nice song, for sure, but Love of My Life is RIGHT THERE! Feet <1 sin added> # (Jim Beach: They just need a bit of time.; Freddie Mercury: What if I don't have time?) "Amazingly talented character refuses to do the thing he's amazingly talented at" cliché. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Who Wants To Live Forever is heard as Freddie looks into the mirror) Apparently all the fantasy characters in this fantasy movie grew up listening to the same 1980's human power ballads. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Queen are rehearsing for Live Aid) Is this the third or fourth time-killing song montage this movie has made me suffer through? I lost count. Trolls <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: Then we'll punch a hole in the sky.) Jeez, that escalated quickly. I guess...screw these guys for politely refusing to dance further? Feet <1 sin added> # Aaaaand now Freddie has yada yadaed his way back home too. What exactly are we supposed to believe happened here? That the world found a dancing Paki and instead of commercializing him or giving him his own reality show, it took him back to let him find his old stomping ground? Feet <1 sin added> # Also, nice revisionist history, movie, but this scene goes on WAY longer than the song at the beginning, which supposedly shows the exact same sequence of events. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Freddie Mercury: In fact... I'll blow you a kiss when I'm on stage.) Movie really thought it could suddenly become webbed Romeo + Juliet without me noticing, and movie is wrong. Feet <1 sin added> # (Radio Gaga plays) Please tell me they're not gonna play the entire Live Aid set. Feet <1 sin added> # (Hammer to Fall plays) Granted, I haven't gone and will never go to a DJ Khaled concert, but is this really the type of band that's ever gonna open for him? Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Cut to Ray Foster in 1975) This is Ray Foster's "everything's okay now, even though I've hated these bitches all movie and didn't win this competition that dominated my life for the last few years, because they're singing a s*itty cover of News of the World" face. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Queen are concluding their Live Aid set with We Are The Champions) This is nice of the band to lift everyone's spirits and all, but couldn't they have gone with a song that's more of a "plan" style? Because, as of now, they're all still gonna die, and now they're all happy, so they're gonna be DELICIOUS! Trolls <1 sin added> # (Queen are walking offstage before David Bowie) No, movie, it does NOT automatically make you cool to have a slow-motion shot of all your characters walking together. Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # Great, everyone's getting laid tonight. Glad we cleared that up before finally allowing this series to mercifully die. It is dead, isn't it? Perfect 3 <1 sin added> # (Queen are singing Don't Stop Me Now) Oh, you think that's the end, and you can finally escape this nightmare and get your kids to their dentist appointments now? NO! There's 3 F*CKING MINUTES OF B-ROLL, QUEEN-SINGING CREDITS TO COME!!! Trolls <1 sin added>